Good Intentions
by meatball1
Summary: The old saying goes: Some of the worst things were done with good intentions. See what bad things Frodo can do with Good Intentions. PG-13 for violence. .


Disclaimer: I don't own any thing in here to do with Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. I do own Frodo Loops, part of a complete and yummy breakfast.

GOOD INTENTIONS

In a galaxy quite a distance away there are four hobbits, a wizard, and an elf. There is Merry, the shy quiet guy, Pippin, the always hungry guy, Sam, the suggestive one, Frodo, the shy hero who takes all the credit, Gandalf, the old smelly guy who tells everyone what to do with out telling them "why", and last but definitely not least, Legolas, the blonde elf who just doesn't care.

We found the six Star Wars wannabes going on a quest to destroy another evil ring corrupting Middle Earth: the Ring of Good Intentions. Frodo kept the Ring in his pocket at all times.

"No Sam! You can't drive the ship! Go away!" Gandalf yelled at the suggestive hobbit.

"But Gandalf sir, it's always been my dream to fly the ship." Sam protested.

"No it's not you big lummox, your life long dream is to be with Mister Frodo. You want to run away somewhere with him and live happily ever after! Now go away!" Gandalf finally got through to him and Sam, sweating and turning beet red, went into the kitchen.

Sam walked into the kitchen where he found Merry, Pippin, and Frodo sitting not really doing much of anything. There were six chairs at the table. Unfortunately, Gandalf could only bargain three hobbit chairs out of Butterbur in Bree. So there were three hobbit-sized chairs and three man- sized chairs. Frodo, Merry, and Pippin were occupying the hobbit chairs so Sam was forced to haul himself onto the larger chair. As he struggled, out of nowhere Legolas comes to the rescue of the young hobbit.

Once Sam is safely in the chair, Legolas goes back into the back of the ship.

"What do you think he does back there?" Pippin questioned the other hobbits as if they would know.

"I don't know." Merry replied, "Maybe he soaks in the bathtub."

"Nah, this ship doesn't have a bathtub." Frodo said while putting the clothespin on his nose from the smell of the Hobbits who had not bathed in months.

"Maybe he's holding out on us and there really is a bathtub back there." Sam said.

"Why wouldn't he tell us?" Pippin asked.

"I don't know.' Merry said. "Maybe he just can't stand the smell up here anymore. You know how sensitive elves are."

"Whatever. I'm hungry." Pippin said as he got up and walked over to the cabinet to get some food.

"Bring me some!" Sam whined.

"Why?"

"Because I love you cousin Pippin." Sam said while batting his eyelashes.

"Ugh! Here!" Pippin threw a bowl of Frodo Loops at Sam. "I am not your cousin and stop with the eyelash thing!"

"Pippin, bring me some bacon!" Merry demanded.

"But I just sat down. Get it yourself!"

"Oh please cousin Pippin, I love you." Merry mocked Sam while batting his eyelashes.

"Oh fine, but you know I hate this." Pippin said as he went into the back of the ship. After a few minutes squealing was heard then a hard chop. The squealing stopped and Pippin returned with a beheaded pig. Pippin threw the body in front of Merry. "Here!"

"Pippin, you know that's not what I mean, fry it!" Merry said.

"Yes Master." Pippin replied.

Pippin went to the stove and fried the pig. He returned to the table and threw the plate of bacon in front of Merry. Delighted, Merry dug into the bacon on the plate in front of him on the table that they are sitting at on the ship in space. Frodo tried to ignore Merry and looked over at Sam. Sam was playing with his cereal, making a mess.

"No, no Sam you old ass, you're making an awful mess." Frodo said as he got up and put a bib on Sam. Frodo got bored and went into the back of the ship. He stayed back there for a while and then went up to the front of the ship where Gandalf the Grey Pilot was controlling it. Gandalf heard Frodo approaching and thought it was Sam. Gandalf quickly turned around and grabbed Frodo's throat and started choking him violently.

"Confound it all Samwise Gamgee." Gandalf stopped abruptly realizing who it was, "Oh hi, Frodo." Gandalf turned back around abruptly dropping Frodo to the floor with a thud and began to control the ship again.

Frodo being very scared began to go back to kitchen to see what his friends were doing. Before he got to the table he heard a cry for help and rushed into the kitchen. There he saw Sam lying on the floor with Merry and Pippin running around like maniacs.

"What's going on here?!" Frodo asked.

"Sam is choking!" Pippin yelled.

Frodo looked at him blinking many times, "So...?"

"So do something!" Merry yelled.

"Fine, fine." Frodo began to advance to Sam who was passed out on the floor. With good intentions, Frodo picked him up and began to give him the Heimlich maneuver. A pretzel flew out of Sam's mouth and bonked Pippin on the head knocking him out. Pippin fell to the floor with a great slap like a piece of meat. Sam was still not breathing. Frodo must now give him mouth- to-mouth resuscitation. Being the kind friend that Frodo was, he will do what he must to save his friend's life. With good intentions, Frodo reluctantly leaned over Sam's motionless body lifting his eyes upward as if in prayer. "Oh God help me." He whispered as he placed his mouth on Sam's. As he did this Sam's eyes flung open and his arms wrapped around Frodo pulling him to the ground. "I knew you loved me!" Sam exclaimed happily. In surprise Frodo punched Sam hard on the nose sending blood everywhere. When Frodo saw what he did he felt bad and punched him again to put him out of his misery. Frodo dragged Sam's body and threw him down the garbage chute. He then went into the control room and pressed the garbage release button.

"Why did you do that?" Gandalf inquired.

"Oh no reason." Frodo replied, "I just thought it was getting a little full." Frodo then skipped happily away into the kitchen where he found Merry crying over Pippin's motionless body. Frodo went over to Pippin and gave him a hard kick in his side.

"Wake up! You're not dead!" Frodo yelled at him. When Pippin did not wake Frodo went over to the sink and threw a cup of water in his face. It did nothing. Frodo decided that water will work but he needed more. So Frodo and Merry dragged Pippin's body into the back of the ship and into the bathroom where they found Legolas' mysterious bathtub with the curtain drawn shut.

"So he really does have one back here." Merry said.

"Yeah, I guess Sam was right." Frodo said. Frodo then drew back the curtain to find Legolas soaking in the bathtub with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Frodo and Merry were enchanted by the smell of the Botanical bubble bath. Legolas' eyes were wide open and his hair was frizzy and black.

"Oh, he was electrocuted." Frodo said bored-like.

"How do you get electrocuted with a cigarette?" Merry asked with an unusual spurt of stupidness.

"It wasn't the cigarette you twit. It was the hair dryer." Frodo said holding up a hair dryer that had mysteriously appeared. "It seems he was trying to dry his beautiful hair in the bathtub while smoking. Let this be a lesson to you: Don't smoke, soak and dry your hair at the same time."

"I'll remember that.'" Merry said taking the hair dryer and peering at it closely. He could see FRODO written on it boldly. "You let him use your hair dryer?"

"Oh." Frodo said weirdly, "Of course I did...heh. He needed to dry his hair so I helped him out just as I have been helping all my friends."

"Okay." Merry said suspiciously, "So what are we going to do with Pippin?"

"Ah yes, him." Frodo remembered. "I'll be right back. While I'm gone take Legolas' body out of the bathtub."

Frodo walked out of the room and Merry peered over at the tub. He grabbed Legolas' arms and began to pull him out. As Legolas' emerged from the water Merry could see that Legolas was wearing bright pink swim trunks.

/Oh what an interesting garment he is wearing./ Merry thought to himself.

Merry laid Legolas on the floor out of the way and Frodo walked back in the room and stood there.

Where did you go?' Merry asked.

"Oh I just left because I didn't want to touch the dead body and I wanted you to do it." Frodo said.

Merry started to get upset but then he remembered his beloved cousin Pippin.

"So what exactly are we doing back here?" Merry questioned Frodo.

"I am going to wake up Pippin." Frodo said.

"You? What about me?" Merry asked.

"Oh well I thought you were looking a little hungry so I made you some food while I was waiting for you to dispose of the elf. Go into the kitchen and eat." Frodo said.

"Oh gee thanks, Frodo." Merry said while running into the kitchen. Merry slid to a stop in the kitchen and turned around looking for the promised food.

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Frodo lifted Pippin's head and dunked it under water in an attempt to wake him up. Pippin then woke up to the feeling of water rushing up his nose. Pippin sat straight up and noticed Frodo.

"Oh, hi Frodo, what are you doing?"

Frodo paid no heed to Pippin and forced his head back under the water. Pippin gave a blood-curdling scream but the water soon drowned it out.

In the kitchen Merry could find no food. He sat down and waited for Frodo to return with Pippin. He then heard a blood-curdling scream that was quickly stifled by the sound of water.

In the bathroom Pippin lifted his head and screamed again. Becoming annoyed with the screaming, Frodo punched him just as he did Sam and sent blood everywhere. Pippin then drowned in a mixture of water and his own blood.

/Well at least he isn't knocked out anymore./ Frodo thought to himself, glad to have done another good deed for his friend. Frodo then took the body and hauled it toward the kitchen where the garbage chute was. Frodo saw Merry and reached into his pocket. Frodo pulled out a mushroom and threw it into the control room across the kitchen. Merry noticed the mushroom and dove after it. Frodo quickly carried Pippin to the chute and threw Pippin's body down it. Frodo then walked into the control room where he found Merry chewing on a mushroom and Gandalf sleeping over the controls.

"Where is Pippin?" Merry asked, "And where is Sam?"

"Um. I think Pippin and Sam are both sleeping." Frodo said. He then looked over to Gandalf who was snoring at the controls. "Is he sleeping?"

"Yeah, but it's on auto-pilot." Merry said. Merry then noticed that Frodo was covered in water and what looked suspiciously like blood. "What's all over you Frodo? Is that blood?"

"Oh yeah." Frodo said, "Pippin was a little rowdy and knocked me into the faucet. It cut my arm badly."

"Oh, it must have hurt because I heard someone scream." Merry said.

"Oh yeah. That was me." Frodo said rolling his eyes, "Did you find the food?"

"No." Said Merry, "It wasn't there."

"Oh." Said Frodo, "Well, why don't we go into the kitchen and look for it?"

Merry reluctantly followed Frodo into the kitchen only because he was very hungry. When they got into the kitchen there was no food on the table.

"Well, I guess I forgot." Said Frodo. "I think there is some yummy donuts up there on the top shelf. Why don't you climb up there and get them?"

Merry, being very hungry indeed, began to climb the shelf. As he got to the top, Frodo noticed that there was a conveniently placed piece of paper that Merry was standing on. Frodo became worried that Merry might slip on it. With good intentions, Frodo pulled the paper out from under Merry's foot. Something happened then that Frodo did not intend. Merry slipped. Luckily, for Merry, he landed on his feet.

"Oh are you okay, Cousin Merry?" Frodo askd Merry.

"Yeah...yeah, I'm fine." Merry said a little shaky.

Frodo then took Merry by the arms and sat him down at the table. Merry had succeeded in retrieving the donuts. Frodo went over to the counter and grabbed a butcher knife. He then went back to the table.

"Here let me cut the donut for you Merry for it is quite large." Frodo said.

"Okay. Whatever." Merry said as he handed Frodo the bite-size donut.

"Well cousin, this donut is hard for me to hold and cut at the same time. Could you please hold it?"

"Sure." Merry said holding up the donut for Frodo. Then, with good intentions, Frodo began to slice the donut. As he was cutting it, the knife unexpectantly slipped and unexpectedly sliced Merry's arm open.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!' Merry cried.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" Frodo said. "Let me clean it up for you."

By this time Merry had gone into shock from the pain and Frodo could easily drag him into the bathroom. Frodo set him on the toilet and rummaged around the in medicine cabinet. He saw two bottles of liquid. One read: Propane, the other read: Peroxide. Frodo quickly chose the one that said Propane because peroxide sounded likes (carbon) monoxide, which Frodo knew was deadly. Taking Merry's arm, he began to pour on the stuff. The instant it touched the cut, Merry jumped out of shock and began to scream again.

"It will hurt a little but you have to be and brave." Frodo told him. He then began to pour some more on but Merry moved and Frodo spilled it all over him. Merry was now soaking wet with Propane.

"Oh now look what you made me do. I'll have to dry you off." Frodo dragged Merry into his room where there was a fireplace. With good intentions, he set Merry in front of it and left him to dry. Frodo then went back into the control room to see if Gandalf had awoken. When Frodo got there he found Gandalf sitting up right and wide-awake. He had coffee in his hands and was drinking it rapidly.

"You finally decided to wake up I see." Frodo said. Gandalf turned around slowly and his eyes were huge and he had a huge, frightening grin on his face.

"Of course I did!" He said like a demon with his head spinning all the way around.

"Alright old man, you've had too much coffee." Frodo said as he took the cup of coffee away from the man.

"I'm going to go back in and check on Merry. No more coffee!"

Frodo, being quite scared, broke off into a run toward Merry's room. When he got to the room he couldn't stop and ran into Merry hurling him into the fire. Since Merry's clothes were still soaked with Propane he burst into flames. Frodo, not wanting to burn his hands, just ran around like a maniac, not know what to do. When the flames had died down Frodo picked up Merry's body, took him to the kitchen, and threw him down the garbage chute. That was Frodo's big mistake because when he threw Pippin down the chute he forgot to press the release button.

Down in the garbage area, Merry began to move slightly. He lifted his head and saw the mangled body of his beloved Pippin. This filled Merry with rage. He must get back at Frodo for doing this. But how?

Back upstairs Frodo began to feel very lonely so he went to visit Gandalf.

"Gandalf, my old friend, why don't you put that ship on autopilot and come have dinner with me."

"Well, okay. I haven't had a good meal in over twelve hours." Gandalf said.

So Frodo and Gandalf set off for the kitchen. Frodo motioned for Gandalf to sit down while he prepared the food. Gandalf gladly took a seat and Frodo walked over to the counter. When Frodo returned he has a large supply of food and set it on the table. When he sat down, Gandalf was reading a newspaper.

"Gandalf, where did you get that newspaper?" Frodo questioned him.

"The paper boy brought it this morning." Gandalf said.

"Oh, can I have the comics?" Frodo asked.

"Sure." Said Gandalf as he rummaged through the paper and pulled out the comics. Both Frodo and Gandalf sat quietly eating their food.

"I'm hot." Gandalf announced.

"I wouldn't know." Frodo said slowly, "You just look like a dirty old man to me."

"No." Gandalf said angrily, "I'm hot as in sweaty."

"Oh I see." Frodo said, "Would you like me to help you? I have been of great help to everyone today."

"Sure. What could it hurt?" Gandalf said. So, with good intentions, Frodo took Gandalf by the hand and brought him to the aerodynamics room. Frodo lead Gandalf into the room and shut the door.

Gandalf looked skeptically at the huge fans. "Are you sure this will help?" He asked.

"Sure." Frodo said and went to turn on the fans. The fan blades began to move. Gandalf started to feel pulled toward one of the fans. He quickly grabbed onto a bar on the wall. Frodo didn't think that Gandalf looked cool enough so he turned up the power. Gandalf's feet slowly left the ground as the power increased. Gandalf gave out a tremendous yell as his robes were torn from his body, exposing his hot pink boxers. With good intentions, Frodo increased the power even more. Gandalf could no longer hold on and let go of the bar screaming all the way. With a great splat Gandalf was chopped into many pieces and blood went flying everywhere, splattering the window where Frodo was looking. Frodo then turned off the power and went into the room. Then took a mop and mopped Gandalf up. He went into the kitchen and threw the bloody water down the sink and threw the bloody mop into the garbage chute.

Frodo was now sitting happily at the table eating Star Wars cereal. He poured the cereal into the bowl. He then played with the little Yoda head marshmallow pieces and ate them one by one. He then poured another bowl and ate all of the sweetened corn puffs and then ate all of the marshmallows by themselves. Still hungry, he poured a third bowl but this time something is different. A black thing a little over a foot long fell out and splashes him with milk. Curious, Frodo picked it up and pressed the red button on it. To his surprise a long red light burst from the end.

"Cool!" Frodo said, "A flashlight!" Still being hungry Frodo just set the "flashlight" on the table. The second that the blade of light touched the table it sliced it in half and sent milk and cereal everywhere. Not pleased with his new flashlight he turned it off and put it away.

Meanwhile, down in the garbage, Merry frantically searched for a way to get back at Frodo. As he sat and wondered he came upon a box of discarded Star Wars cereal. He looked into the box and sees that the prize had not been claimed. He pulled it out and turned it on. As he did he heard something else coming down the garbage chute.

/Gandalf I presume./ Merry thinks to himself. He saw the mop come down and land straight up. Suddenly he heard a gurgling sound and a huge amount of red water fell onto him. He then decided how he is going to get Frodo.

Up in the kitchen Frodo heard what sounded like someone climbing the garbage chute. He peered over to it and is surprised to see Merry fly out of it and turn on his lightsaber. Frodo in surprise tried to punch him but Merry ducked out of the way. Frodo grabbed his "flashlight" and began to fling it around like a fool. They began an all out Lightsaber fight. There were many flips and ducks and slides. Then out of nowhere Frodo stopped and began to dance on his toes. Flinging his arms about in front of Merry he began to say, "Credits will do fine."

"What?' Merry asked bewildered.

"Credits will do fine."

"What are you doing, Frodo?!" Merry yelled.

Frodo snapped out of it, "I don't know."

"Okay." Merry said. "So you're done?"

"Yup. I guess." Frodo said.

"Good." Merry said and swung his lightsaber chopping Frodo's left arm off. Frodo kept on fighting because he was very strong. Merry then distracted Frodo with a mushroom and chopped off his right arm. Frodo fell to the ground seemingly defeated. Merry, thinking that his task is done, turned around and began to walk away. Frodo suddenly leaped up with the lightsaber in his mouth and took a swing at Merry chopping off his foot. Merry, now in more pain and rage, jumped up and stabbed Frodo killing him instantly.

Merry crawled toward the control room of the ship and put in the coordinates to his home planet. He knew his time was almost up but he still wanted his family to have something to bury. He then laid on the floor and stared out at the stars through the windshield. As his time drew closer to an end he saw something fuzzy floating toward the ship. Merry focused his last thoughts on trying to figure out what the fuzzy thing was. He used all of his energy to sit up and as the thing got closer it began to turn around. Merry could see that it was in fact Sam's head. Merry then passed on and fell to the floor.

In the bathroom there was slight moaning. A tall figure was standing up and staring at the red water in the bathtub. Not caring he began to advance into the kitchen. He saw Frodo's dismembered body lying on the floor. Being a blonde that just doesn't care, he didn't care, and stepped over the body. He noticed the spilled cereal and picked it up and began to chow down. He continued into the control room where he saw Merry's burnt, footless, and dead body. He still didn't care. He saw the controls set to the Shire and didn't care enough to change them.

Legolas picked up the radio and swallowed some cereal. "This is Blonde Leader 72. The mission has failed. The Ring of Good Intention has killed them all. The ship is set to land in the Shire."

"Roger, Blonde Leader. We will meet you there." came a voice from the radio.

Legolas then turned and went to take a bath. As he crossed through the kitchen he took the Ring from Frodo's pocket and slipped it in his swim trunks. When he got to the bathroom he didn't care enough to change the water.

When the ship landed in the Shire, many people greeted Legolas. Among the people were Aragorn and Gimli. Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli were sent on the same mission to once again try and destroy the Ring of Good Intentions.

THE END?


End file.
